you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
