Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
