this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize