Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
