my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
