Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
