Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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