How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
one two three fourrrrnication!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize