A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
