I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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