i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't notice because vodka
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize