I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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