genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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