There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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