my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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