The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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