at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
as a side note pls kill me
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