after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
