Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
