i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
being pregnant is like rehab
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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