i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
