and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
