You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
