I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
