Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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