Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
