positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
