his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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