I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
