she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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