I'm lost and stupid without you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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