Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
