I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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