if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
