mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
