Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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