My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
