I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
