I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize