New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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