She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
