There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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