Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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