if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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