My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
