I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i now understand why vodka
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
