I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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