I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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