I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
