i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
