I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
