Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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