you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
