Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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